Acerbic Views

Dear Katy Perry,

I am sending you this because as a popstar you really confuse me. The more I learn about you, your background and your music, the more contradictions I feel like I see. Which confuses me, because, you really want the public to believe that you are in fact, a really deep individual and not a vapid twit. But, I see so much evidence supporting the latter. I have a few questions, which I hope you can answer to clear things up for me.

You speak about your religious upbringing quite freely in interviews. Both of your parents are Pastors and before you became well known, you even released a gospel album. So, I think it is a fair assumption that you identify as a Christian. The thing that confuses me here is that you release music with such blatant sexualisation. Your song ‘I Kissed a Girl’ speaks of suckin’ face with a girl at a club, and your song ‘Peacock’ tries to coyly ask an unidentified male to show his trouser snake to you. Doesn’t this completely oppose any sort of Christian values altogether? Lesbianism and overt sexualisation of yourself surely must be blasphemous. So, do you deem any personal beliefs you have had worthless if they can be traded for household name status and money? How much was your soul worth?

The song ‘Ur So Gay’ to me, seems like a pretty obvious generalisation of what you consider attributes of a homosexual male. You talk about characteristics of what an ex boyfriend has and then you attempt to make fun of him for them, by comparing him to a gay male, so I assume that you dislike gay men. But, you also have a song called ‘Firework’, which you consider an ode to loving who you are and the video even features a gay kiss, which leads me to believe this was written specifically to try and tug at the heart strings of gay men. So, you are confusing me again Ms. Perry! Are you homophobic, or do you love the gays? I think some potential future song titles based on the above confusion could be: ‘Ur so bi-curious to sell albums’, or ‘Ur ideals don’t mean shit if it gets you dollars in the bank’. Let me know what you think of these.

I am also confused about your image versus your artistic integrity. Because in interviews you try to give people the impression that you are some sort of hybrid of Madonna and Fiona Apple. Which is odd, because I don’t think I have ever seen Fiona Apple spending millions of dollars on wigs and videos that feature her shooting cream out of her tits. I can  just maybe see the Madonna comparison, because at a recent concert, she flopped her withered tit out, and I could see you doing that because you seem like you would do anything short of actually having sex on camera to get attention. I am befuddled that you seem to boast such claims of artistry, yet your music sounds so hollow? Every single song on your last album was co-written with as little as one and as many as five other people, and your music sounds like you let a monkey run across a mixing board. What gives? Did you expend all of your ‘creative talents’ on deciding what sweet blue wigs you needed to buy? Is wig shopping a really hard exercise? Because I know a few drag queens and they seem to do okay with it.

I really hope you can answer these questions for me Katy, because you’re a whole mess of contradictions. It truly confuses me. If you could clear up those questions for me, I am sure I could start liking you at least a little, and not think of you as a brainless airhead who valued fame, fortune and seeing yourself on the cover of girly magazines over respect, integrity and genuine talent. Your speedy response is most appreciated.

Also, please let me know the outcome of those pesky indecency charges from earlier this month in India.

Your favesies penpal,

Jefferson Blinco.