Acerbic Views

RIP Lindsay Lohan.

I’ve gotta say Lindsay Lohan; you are by far my favourite human train-wreck. I just adore you. Not in the sense of; ‘ahmagawwd, all your talent is wasted’, but more in the sense of ‘what an absolute drug addled zombie-handed crack fiend’.

I remember when I first took a liking to you. It wasn’t when you looked like you’d sneezed in a tin of milo and you were playing those two little scheming demon-spawn twins in The Parent Trap. It wasn’t when you starred alongside the human forehead with Tyra Banks in Life Size. It was the first time I watched Mean Girls in my best friends garage.

I loved you in this movie. You were funny, modestly attractive and seemed like a normal girl with an amazing future ahead of her.

I mean this in the most condescending way when I ask; WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

You couldn’t have had better opportunities ahead of you. You scored the lead in what is still one of the most popular and most quoted teenage films.

I remember when you first started spiralling out of control, and it seemed like it became a game to paparazzi and tabloid rags alike to try and publish the most ridiculously shit-wrecked photo of you out during the night. At first I thought it was just a phase, that you were just living out your youth… Then it got to the point the main wall in my best friends room was covered in different photos of you in various compromised states under the influence of various drugs. It was at that point you went from being a bright young star, to a coke booger someone had blown into a tissue and thrown onto the sidewalk.

But still, despite all this, I remained hopeful. I reasoned that you did more drugs than a middle aged stripper because your parents were insane. They pushed you into the spotlight too soon and you weren’t ready for what was to come. But then the drug use just continued… and continued… and continued.

I even didn’t think twice when you dated that girl who looked like Pete Doherty crossed with Dennis the Menace. I even thought it was a little bit cute that you denied dating him for so long, despite the numerous photos of the two of you tongue deep in each others tonsils. Maybe not so cute after all.

Your movie choices were something I let slide too. I didn’t take any notice of the god-awful Just My Luck, in which you were so frail you looked as if a strong breeze may have shattered you into a thousand little shards of cocaine. I only spoke to some and not all of my friends about how watching I Know Who Killed Me would be worse than watching a sex-tape of your grandparents. That’s pretty nice of me too, because that movie is actually a total steaming pile of shit.

Now I see that you are beyond repair and reform. Instead of rooting for you and reasoning your embarrassing behaviour in my head, I have come to expect it. I used to be shocked when I heard about the latest set you’d trashed, or legal troubles you’d embroiled yourself in… But now, I am more shocked when a few weeks pass and you haven’t been in the media for some eye rolling bullshit.

You were once a cute red headed ingenue, but now, you are simply a leathery drug-worn 50 year old in the body of a young girl. RIP former Lindsay, your star burnt out fast in that crackpipe that is permanently in your Fendy tote.

Stephanie Rice: The media makes me like you more.

What is the deal with the media being all over Stephanie Rice? Why are they constantly scrutinising her and spinning negative bullshit on every single thing perceived as something unbecoming of an Olympian?

From my perspective, it actually makes me like her more. It makes her seem human. The media need to be reminded she is only 24! She isn’t a middle aged woman who is going to sit around and drink tea in her spare time. Just because she is a kick-ass athlete who is an incredible athlete, that shouldn’t mean that she doesn’t get to live her own life and do the same things that other young people do. 

I read an article a couple of days ago titled ‘Will Stephanie Rice be remembered as a party girl or an Olympic swimming sensation?’, which I think is absolutely and utterly fucking ridiculous. She won three goddamn gold medals at the 2008 Olympics. Three. That is three separate events where she got first place in what is considered the most prolific and elite competition in the world. So why is it that the media constantly have to cut her down for the simplest things that 90% of girls her age do? It frustrates the hell out of me.

So in 2010 she used the word ‘faggot’ on Twitter with negative connotations. About a sporting match. She never singled an individual out and actually intended it as a homophobic remark. Sure, it was in poor taste, but who doesn’t use offensive words without any vicious intent. I am certainly guilty of it. Not only that, she was 22 when it happened. Give the poor girl a break!

I don’t understand either why every time Stephanie Rice poses in a bikini or a party outfit or uploads a photo that may seem to show her in an inebriated state/not fully clothed/not knitting a sweater by a fireplace, the media seems totally up in arms about it. Have any of these journalists not been on Facebook? Pretty sure most girls in the age range of 18 - 30 constantly upload or get tagged in photos that are compromising. Because it is when we are in compromised states we are more likely to take photos. Holy shit! This girl has a life that isn’t 100% taken up by swimming in a pool? Who would have fucking thought!?

So Stephanie Rice, please, continue to be teetering towards a laughing stock by the media. I genuinely appreciate your indifference to the media shit-bombing you receive by living your life like a normal young woman would. To the media; chill the fuck out.

5 moronic celebrities who are less reviled than Chris Brown.

So Chris Brown is a real douchelord of a human being, right? I think it is fairly clear and established that he is completely unlikeable. From the obvious total unrelenting beat-down of Rihanna, his unapologetic posturing to the whole incident and what can now only be considered a true train wreck of an auto tuned excuse for music career; it is fairly safe to say that any level headed human being finds him utterly repugnant.

So here I will list five other male celebrities that are often cast in a harsh light in the media and are also not well liked, but still are much more dignified human beings than Chris Brown could ever hope to be.

1. Justin Bieber.

Justin Bieber began her career as a bowl cut sporting lesbian and has slowly begun his transformation into faux black man. He is very disliked because well, he’s so obviously a record company dream that can be marketed to give prepubescent girls whole body shivers that any grown adult can eye rollingly see through it. Despite looking like Alex the Kidd and making intolerable music; he never beat a woman.

2. John Mayer.

For the record, I like his music. A lot. I am able to separate his music from his utterly repugnant persona that exists only to be an open invitation for any young starlet to open her legs to him. His constant sexual and emotional conquests are made public via tabloids and he is constantly trying to get everyone to empathise with him to truly believe that he is really just misunderstood. But, despite coming across as the guy who chews up young starlets and spits them out like gum; he never beat a woman.

3. Tom Cruise.

This one is too easy. Where should I start? The insane Scientology rumours that range from mind control to not letting Katie or Suri leave the house? Destroying a marriage with not Nicole Kidman and Katie Holmes? Two seemingly good natured women who just had to escape Toms bag of crazy. I could write a whole article about the insanity that is Tom Cruise. That being said, even though he is an unhinged couch screaming midget; he never beat a woman.

4. Kanye West.

Kanye West is the most talented and revolutionary musician in the world. Just ask him. He has a complete inability to show humility and his constant braggadocio in interviews and music make him really hard to like. Despite his head being permanently positioned firmly inside his own anus, and dating the human glory hole that is Kim Kardashian; he never beat a woman.

5. Perez Hilton.

I take a personal dislike to Perez Hilton because he took a sensitive subject of sexuality and turned it into gossip. A few years ago he personally outed a few male celebrities on his website. I think that is a truly repugnant act, made even worse considering he is a gay man himself. Not only that, he is a joker mouthed fame hungry halfwit who has an ego the size of my city. Despite being an insufferable drama queen who prides himself on having nothing to offer the world; he never beat a woman.

So there you go. Five male celebrities that first came to mind that I can easily spout a range of reasons why they are disliked, but can still maintain that Chris Brown is way more unlikeable. Why? Because he did beat a woman. Not only that, his hideous behaviour since in acting completely void of remorse from the incident makes the whole ordeal that much more disgusting. Whilst I may post tongue-in-cheek blogs about Katy Perry or Kim Kardashian, the difference in those people and him, is that I truly loathe Chris Brown. He is a stain on society that should be stamped out. Anyone who considers themselves part of ‘Team Breezy’ is obviously not of sound mind. Not only that, his music is fucking terrible! It sounds like an a whiney auto tuned girl got loose in a music studio. What gives?

50 Shades of how to be an inane woman who can’t be around a man she is attracted to without melting into a puddle.

I just started on 50 Shades of Grey this week. I am about eight chapters in and I feel absolutely compelled to blog about it. A few people have asked me to blog about it once I started reading it, so here it is.

The basic premise of the book is that a girl meets a super rich and mysterious CEO, they have insta-chemistry, they cannot stay away despite from each other despite themselves and then bam! He has a BDSM fetish. This is what I am gathering so far from the book.

How this book has sold 31 million copies before even being on shelves for a year and is already being developed into a movie is honestly beyond me, because well, so far the book is really mediocre.

It is totally readable, I give it that. I do honestly feel compelled to know what happens. I am sure I will even read this to the end, because once I start a book, I always finish it. Even the god-awful first Twilight book.

Which leads me into my next observation. 50 Shades started as a Twilight Fan-fiction, and after reading the first few chapters, it becomes really, really apparent. The book has that same juvenile airhead female lead character who meets a mysterious man who she is suddenly drawn to even though *gasp* he is bad for her. The parallels are obvious in the two. Even down to the constant and incessant inner monologue of the two main characters of each book.

My biggest qualm with the book is the constant babbling thought sharing that the author must do for the main character. Yes, Anastasia thinks Grey is hot. That is established by the embarrassing articulations of getting moist at him running his hand through a few strands of hair. We get it. The every page reminder of how much Anastasia is swooning over him just makes me feel like I am reading the inside of a teenage girls journal. I won’t be surprised if I turn one of the pages and a ticket stub of the first movie they went together is taped to it.

So far I haven’t really discoveredl anything about the main character aside from that she has never met a man who she has had a spark with. Until Grey. Then it is like her world is literally turned upside down. Now, I am not a woman, but all women that are of sound mind don’t literally turn to mush around the object of their affection like this girl does. The way this is written it is almost like this girl only exists simply to be in love with this Christian Grey.

The book was written by a middle aged woman with a family, and she described the book as ‘All her fantasies in there’. Really? Kudos to you because you have made enough money to live incredibly well for the rest of your life, but so far your book seems like the inside of a dimwitted teenage girls journal. I find it really off putting when in a book written for adults, characters are referred to as ‘pretty hot’. I have no idea why, but I find that as prose in a book, really cringe-worthy.

I have just reached the point in the book where Grey reveals to Anastasia that *gasp* he has a fetish for being dominant over a woman and leads her to a room full of bondage gear. This I guess will be the problem for Anastasia. How can she be a total puddle of a mess of a human to a man she has idolised for every second since meeting him less than a week ago, when the man wants to smack her around a little!?

So, to recap: the book is totally readable. In an escapist, dumb reality where girls are putty at the hands of a man with money, power and a bedroom full of whips and chains. That being said; I’ll still read all of it.

The joys of Root, Shoot or Marry.

This is my absolute favourite game to play with a friend. Without a doubt. Probably the best way to pass time with a friend or to make someone squirm. Great to get an unusual insight into someone, and always a good way to break the ice.

The basic premise of the game is that, out of three people, they have to pick one to; have sex with, marry (presumably for life) and shoot to kill. The joys of this game are really quite endless. The most obvious joys in this game can be found in thinking of the most truly awful, hideous or completely non-sexual entities you can.

Some of the best variations are:

• Pick three friends of the person you are playing the game with (you can include yourself here) . Now, of the three friends you have picked, think of their ugliest ex partner. Generally these are first boyfriends, because lets face it, majority of first boyfriends are the ones that look like assholes that have had rocks thrown at them. The learning curve if you will. This is almost the most awkward selection criteria you can ask of a friend, because thinking of someones ex partners in a sexual manner kind of makes me want to dry heave.
• The Kardashian Sisters. I personally find this incredibly hard! Mostly because I have a distaste for all of them. Kourtney and Kim are the obvious choices for rooting, because, they are the two sisters who don’t look like giant potatoes. But, being honest, they are all vapid cocksuckers and I couldn’t bare the though of having to marry any of them. See the dilemma there? Especially with no option to instead turn the gun on myself.
• I think by far the most uncomfortable variation of this game you can possibly do (without going into some kind of sick shit like inanimate objects or animals), would be to think of friends parents. Is there anything worse than having to think of a friends parent in a sexual manner? I don’t think there is.

Go ahead and play this tomorrow with a friend, maybe via email when you have some spare time at work? Also, there is a website dedicated to the concept. They give you three related people or objects and you choose, then get to see how they have been rated. Excellent fun.

theparisreview:

“I’d say that what I do is like a crack in the mirror. If you go back over the books from Carrie on up, what you see is an observation of ordinary middle-class American life as it’s lived at the time that particular book was written. In every life you get to a point where you have to deal with something that’s inexplicable to you, whether it’s the doctor saying you have cancer or a prank phone call. So whether you talk about ghosts or vampires or Nazi war criminals living down the block, we’re still talking about the same thing, which is an intrusion of the extraordinary into ordinary life and how we deal with it. What that shows about our character and our interactions with others and the society we live in interests me a lot more than monsters and vampires and ghouls and ghosts.”

—Stephen King, The Art of Fiction No. 189

Photo Credit Richard Hartog, Los Angeles Times

Snooki totally looks like a donkey. #snooki #donkey #celebrity #acerbic #acerbicviews (Taken with Instagram)